04

...in school one day they asked us what do we want to be when we grow up and when my turn came i blushed and mumbled "i dunno", even though i did, i did know, i still do, come on, lean closer, let me whisper to you, i don't know why it is, why it was, but i don't think no kid these days wants to be a doctor or a lawyer or a school teacher or a vet or a golden boy or a CEO anymore, I don't think so, I never did, my ambition was to have my ass sold out on the street, as cheap as it could get, being pushed against dark damp brick wall, into dark recesses of the night, raped in back seats of cars parked into the wilderness, i don't know, where nobody would hear my screams if i screamed, having it pounded and pasted and drilled and hammered and raped bloody, especially I fantasized about a member of my family selling my eight-nine-ten year-old ass, an uncle, or a dad, or my mom, I would go to bed with my uncle and dad of the story, but never would i want to get near my mom,

and when i met her boyfriends i wanted to seduce them, since she couldn't be loyal to my dad i would not be loyal to her, so i ruined myself, steadily, methodically, so, if they were drunk and she was out, and sis was out too, and it was just us guys, i'd try and lure them, and

one boyfriend would pat my knee, in a friendly, paternal way, then move up the leg cautiously, thigh then, pat-pat-pat, the look in his eyes absent-minded as if he wasn't paying any real attention at all at what his hand was doing, and at the same time looked sheepishly at me, observing whatever shifts of my face, signs of discomfort, embarassment or eagerness maybe, but there was nothing there, i kept my face as blank as i could, and pat-pat-pat he felt me up, closely watching beneath vegetative facade, "want a beer?", "want a ciggie?", I'd sprawl on the sofa, teenage nonchalance at its best, legs spread open and smoke escaping slack mouth, eyes on TV screen, I wasn't paying notice until boyfriend's face nuzzled my crotch,

was I then a bad son, but look, I kinda took care of her, those assholes are not into you, mum, they're after your money or your son's cock, which is worse, I'm not trying to be bitter, but does the boyfriend ever eat you out with those dazed closed eyelids and jaw moving in relish, stubble coming out all wet and shiny like morning dew, lust making him look like a retard,

and one boyfriend had me sitting on his lap, and I felt him harden against small of back, and i traced that ridge with my palm and it swelled up, filled my hand, i squeezed harder, and keys on door, i was shoved at the side of the couch, thrown like a rug, and saw his eyes refocus and he wouldn't touch or come near my mom, at night he came at my bed and i pretended i was asleep, in my head i wanted to force him to take advantage of me, crawl in my bed and turn me over and pull down my pjs and boxers and sli-i-i-de it all the way in,

am i a bad son, am i a terrible person, i guess i am, because he never came, not that one, anyway, and then my attention shifted to my friends and did i know where i was getting at,

but it doesn't really matter, some people think it's dirty and maybe it is, but we're all children playing in god's playground, it's pure if it's harsh, if not marred by words or promises, by lies, by love, our bodies are machines and our hearts should be dead, for me there is no beauty or love and i want it all to be destrpoyed, i want a great disappearance