fear in here.
fuck in here.
shit in here.
suck it out of me.
kill in here.
murder in here.
help in here.
tear it out of me.
cut in here.
pummel in here.
stab in here.
tongue it out of me.
tongue of rusted nails, take it out, shove it in, lure the beating muscle which was once called a heart and hammer it against your wall.
make me blind.
make me deaf.
make me still.
make it quiet.
bitch i'm a kill ya you don't wanna fuck with me
Friday 24 September 2010
63.wrote this while asleep
i used to live a life of leisure.a life of quality, i protested but i didn't want it so bad to end. then something happened to it, or it had been happening my entire life, forcing me, moving me, levitating me to this.
an empty morning under the sick yellow light of a bulb, white marble that doesn't look so white, cold, shivers, a sour taste in mouth from too many pills that fuck you up and down and too little food, stomach digesting itself, liver disintegrating, something rotten or rotting, coming out of my mouth and my ass.
i knelt.i obeyed. i submitted.the music was terrible.my life is a song now;cages of rats, walls, worms, breaking bottles, screams that no-one heard bc they were too drowned inside, descent self-annilhilation, slow collapse of inner self, i don't know who i am, who i was, i've changed 3 times and this last change has left me-
a shell, if you put your ear against my chest you'll hear the wind in its void, if you push your tongue in my mouth you'll taste bitter death, and if you cum inside me i won't know a thing. i am a thing. i'm all cold surfaces. i cut and bruise the surface but it's like incising a dead man. no warm blood in here. i'm a necropsy.
feel.trust.obey.
obey obey obey.
evil.sold.soul.beauty.what?another pill.eyes.closing.heavy.mind.racing.another pill.clock.present.time.always present.obey.obey.obey.sleep, and dream of a better place.sleep,and dream of nothing.
ultimately.death.
an empty morning under the sick yellow light of a bulb, white marble that doesn't look so white, cold, shivers, a sour taste in mouth from too many pills that fuck you up and down and too little food, stomach digesting itself, liver disintegrating, something rotten or rotting, coming out of my mouth and my ass.
i knelt.i obeyed. i submitted.the music was terrible.my life is a song now;cages of rats, walls, worms, breaking bottles, screams that no-one heard bc they were too drowned inside, descent self-annilhilation, slow collapse of inner self, i don't know who i am, who i was, i've changed 3 times and this last change has left me-
a shell, if you put your ear against my chest you'll hear the wind in its void, if you push your tongue in my mouth you'll taste bitter death, and if you cum inside me i won't know a thing. i am a thing. i'm all cold surfaces. i cut and bruise the surface but it's like incising a dead man. no warm blood in here. i'm a necropsy.
feel.trust.obey.
obey obey obey.
evil.sold.soul.beauty.what?another pill.eyes.closing.heavy.mind.racing.another pill.clock.present.time.always present.obey.obey.obey.sleep, and dream of a better place.sleep,and dream of nothing.
ultimately.death.
Tuesday 7 September 2010
62.
I tried very hard to be someone else. I tried to be someone you liked. Or somebody you hated. It had to be strong. I tried too hard to be this person or thing. In the process I forgot who I was (when i began). Did I carry inseide me something that was completely my own no matter how silly or inferior? Did I ever think my own thoughts? Did I ever speak my own words? I think so. Maybe i'm just getting older so it's part of maturing: changing, transforming, forsaking, transmuting. Did I ever dream my own dreams which i wasn't ashamed of painting with crude kids' crayons? I don't even remember if I believed I had a soul. If I did, where is it now? Do I want to see it again? Will it evr emerge for bad or for good? I wait with a net. My hands are empty. My mouth is empty but I do not dare silence. I was always afraid of the dark and slept with a light on. Betwwen waking and dreaming, I escaped. I became something else, not entirely human, more like a machine made of disproportionate parts:depression, addiction, illusion, delusion, disillusion.I just wanted to go out and play under the stars. I still do. I want to lie on the
Sunday 5 September 2010
61.
Moving out has been postponed for another year at least: all that seemed old and faded is now another reason for me to be grateful.
Every lie now I love. I have to.
Life is held together by duty and obligation. Sanity is held together.
You can't tell the truth no more except if it's spoken behind a mask.
The fantasy of escape is more potent than the escape itself.
The roads of the world are open to every imbecile who thinks he can walk them. The roads of imagination are only open to few.
The only way to get by and get through is to stick to the plan, get the job done, no complaints, no alarms. The only way to maintain sanity is to bow your head, no questions asked, no doubts laid out.
The only way to be part of the human race is to bow down, pray to God and be thankful. The only sign is the sign of the cross.
Life is nowt but a series of illusions, delusions and, for the unmasked ones, disillusions. It's nice to have illusions and delusions and think of them as charisma. The meek shall inherit the earth. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven -or, certainly, the kingdom of this world.
Who am I? What am I? These are questions i have to erase if I want to survive. I don't need humbleness, I need subtlety.
I want to write and need to write but this doesn't necessarrily mean that I'm going to write or that i possess the gift of writing. Not everything revolves around me and mine. I am not the center of the universe, I am not the world. I am a ghost, I am a no-one. I'm not presumptuous.
I am not I, or shouldn't be, because what does I mean?
Get the job done. No moaning. Adapt. Adjust. Do not open your mouth. Close your eyes, cover your ears. Take a big breath. You're diving deep now.
Every lie now I love. I have to.
Life is held together by duty and obligation. Sanity is held together.
You can't tell the truth no more except if it's spoken behind a mask.
The fantasy of escape is more potent than the escape itself.
The roads of the world are open to every imbecile who thinks he can walk them. The roads of imagination are only open to few.
The only way to get by and get through is to stick to the plan, get the job done, no complaints, no alarms. The only way to maintain sanity is to bow your head, no questions asked, no doubts laid out.
The only way to be part of the human race is to bow down, pray to God and be thankful. The only sign is the sign of the cross.
Life is nowt but a series of illusions, delusions and, for the unmasked ones, disillusions. It's nice to have illusions and delusions and think of them as charisma. The meek shall inherit the earth. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven -or, certainly, the kingdom of this world.
Who am I? What am I? These are questions i have to erase if I want to survive. I don't need humbleness, I need subtlety.
I want to write and need to write but this doesn't necessarrily mean that I'm going to write or that i possess the gift of writing. Not everything revolves around me and mine. I am not the center of the universe, I am not the world. I am a ghost, I am a no-one. I'm not presumptuous.
I am not I, or shouldn't be, because what does I mean?
Get the job done. No moaning. Adapt. Adjust. Do not open your mouth. Close your eyes, cover your ears. Take a big breath. You're diving deep now.
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