Survivor stories. Man. You know, everyone is groaning and moaning about how bad they have it, the sex, the drugs, the complications, mommy was too oppressive and thought i was a zero anyway, daddy slapped me a couple of times and said i was a zero anyway - glares at Dogboy - kids at school laughed at me, the older kids from my football team thought i was a queer and decided to teach me a lesson - glares at Dogboy - all these fucking excuses, right, the abuse victims, the abuse stories and the fight stories and the needle stories, the hooker stories and the humiliation stories, and nobody loved me stories and the i'm-a-fighter stories, the depression stories and the cut-myself stories, the healing stories, the survivor stories - glares at Dogboy - everyone wants to fuck up and disappear into a hole or something, or so you claim - glares at Dogboy -but all i see is confession stories and redemption stories and do i look like a fucking priest to you, i'm not going to make you feel good about yourself, sweetheart, i'm tired of hearing how you got gang-banged by a few older dudes when you were the innocent little saint, momma's boy, how they cornered you on your way home from football training and dragged you to an old abandoned building where no-one heard your screams (of pleasure or of pain, slut, i wonder) and it was raining hard against the tin rooftop and brick walls, echoing, you drama queen - glares at Dogboy - i mean here you are talking about destruction and disappearance and all i see is a wannabe, someone who wants to live, who wants to survive and tries to find refugee and excuse in words, skillful words or ugly words or maybe it's just the same, it's a survivor story, trying to make people feel bad for how decrepit and what a degenerate you came to be, i bet it was not your fault, i bet there's some real touching sob story behind the person you are and the things you write about - glares at Dogboy - i bet some kind of fucked-up connection or association or shortcircuit or whatever took place when you were in a tender age, and that is why you have to keep justifying yourself and your needs and your idiosyncratic tastes constantly, and all i do is hear you wail about nihilism and destruction and then what you do, redeem yourself through what you call art, well, it's only half-arsed wishful thinking my love, you think you can recreate all the shit that's been done and being done into something beautiful, poetic, hopeful, romantic even, you think that half-witted rambling is some kind of art or absolution - gla-a-a-ares at Dogboy - you think words will save the world, you think words will save you, there's nothing but flesh, disintegrating flesh, the reality of the body, decomposing chemistry, pain, pain is the only reality, you can only disappear through pain, and don't you try to hang on to the bullshit about the beauty of life, i'm not saying kill yourself, i'm saying have the guts to make yourself disappear completely and be happy that failure and incompetence are inherent to you, be happy that you're not able to deceive your self with nice, poignant prose - sneers at Dogboy - like, really, anything but your fleshy wounds and your dying body is fake, you're a total fake, and people will see straight through your fakeness - glares at Dogboy - unless they're as retarded as you are, in which case the world is a fucked-up, retarted, ugly fucking hell and i'm glad i got off.
Glares at Dogboy.
lOVE THIS. I wanna be part of a gang that fuck's it hard. I really like the structure and the 'glares at dogboy' breaks.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever read any Peter Sotos work, you come close to his harshness and thats a rare thing. If you have not there is a piece by him as one of the first posts on 'sometimes' site, anyway you might want to check it out sometime. Great to have met you, I think we will be great friends I hope.
Nick X
so confessional and confrontational.
ReplyDeleteyour stuff is so raw (really there is a more fleshy word i want to use but i just can't grab it)
but, right now,
your work is so inline with some of my new
impulses,
it really hits me hard.
thanks for that.
take it sleazy,
dustylee.
Some people ramble on and on and on... don't they Dogboy. You done well to listen and get it down.. I'd have fucked off before the first glare.
ReplyDeletefantastic. X
Not in a sympathetic mood today then Dogboy?
ReplyDeleteEddie x
Nick, hey man, good morning to you. Let's form a gang together, we'll call it...i don't know what we could call it, ha. We'd wreak havoc or have havoc wreaked upon us. (what am i talking about?)Thank you, really u think there's some kind of structure in there?Great!Peter Sotos. I'll def google him up. Read the first piece in the site and, if it was man-on-boy i would have prolly come hard. But in ageneral sense, yea, thrilling, intense stuff. Raises questions too. I shall dwell on it.
ReplyDelete(P.S. I think we already are. Friends, I mean. It's a fucking great awesome twist of fate that i've met you and some other guys here.)
DB
Hello, hello, Dusty Rose.Thank you for this, and yes, i see what you mean, how our inspirations or interests may derive from a similar if not the same source. As I said, i feel kinda blessed for meeting so many likeminded people here, i'd never have guessed, cos i thought blogs are places where people exchanged recipies and i dunno, decoration tips and stuff LOL
ReplyDeleteHave a great one
DB
Shane, tahnk you very much, if only i were as smart as that...i don't talk a lot so i listen, people think i've a slight mental retardation or it's the drugs and booze combo.i know one day will come that i won't even recognize words - i long for this day.
ReplyDeleteThank you
DB
Eddie, weeeell,you could say that, i guess, haha.
ReplyDeletetake care you.
DB
Brilliant. I love the rhythm. Very powerful. Like the perfect rendition of a persecution command hallucination.
ReplyDeletePaul, thank you, "persecution command hallucination", wow!
ReplyDeleteDB