Well, i rest my fucking case.
Have i been conditionned to hate, to envy, or is it just the genes or is it just me, the fuck-up-
Was it nature or nurture?
So easy. To accept defeat. To bow.
To try and be a better man.
A noble one. A kind one.
Yet, the hate burns, the envy desttroys like a wildfire. Nothing left but ambers of existence.
In your punishing arms and under the crack and snap of leather, i could be whole again.
I could be a better man, a noble man, a kind man.
Take me in.
Show me how to love.
Show me true pain.
Please.
Annihilate me?
And bury me deep,
until my mouth remains still.
EDT: (if i want to be completely honest, and what is honesty, i dunno, never did, i lack basic concepts and one of them is perseverence and patience and faith, so honesty is just an item in the long long list of defects and deficiencu\ies, and you have to excuse me for my weaknesses, and you have to be patient with me, and i to myself, because truly this blog was also an attempt, an exercise, to see if i could become a better character, and stop giving in to every stupid impulse and stop giving up in the face of the smallest obstacle, and to stop taking it out on myself.)
How many times have I deliberately sought pain and punishment? Most of the time it was the only thing that convinced me I was still alive.
ReplyDeleteParadoxically your admission that you don't know what honesty really is would class as complete honesty for me.
Taking it out on ourselves is something that many of us do, sometimes we find the truth that way or at least kill the lies that we've hidden behind.
Love
Malcolm
i'm hoping your use of the past tense doesn't mean you've done here - there's plenty more to say, isn't there?
ReplyDeletei wanted to comment something - i don't know - something profound? but that capacity is knocked out right now,(if it was ever there) sorry
just that you are writing with this intensity now and this very beautiful bright and brittle strength & i love to be your reader. don't stop
m-cX
You have no greater enemy than yourself.
ReplyDeleteMalcolm,
ReplyDeleteyou're wise my friend.I guess i'm tired of the ups and downs, and i want completely off for a while.I could as well sit down and read a book or sth, but no, i have to go and seek hell, prolly because yes, as u said, it does make me feel alive in a very dead, perverted sort of way.
I was using the past?yeah? maybe it was the subconscious telling me this ain't gonna last for long. Who knows when this madness will run out? up until now it's just a, how you said it, "an extensive list of desires or needs", u said it wonderfully, iadmire your way with words, they are a tight set, they sound, you sound very deliberate and i love this, and i get it, this post of yours, i was like, yeah, been there, done that, but also made my heart flutter cos in a way maybe that was love?
ReplyDeleteMan, you could not be more profound even if u tried. Thank you.
Now i'm gonna lie down a bit cos my heart is doing its numbers on me again, fuck.
xxxx
take good care, yeah?
Steppenwolf,
ReplyDeletei've been told this so many times and i still don't learn my lesson. slap me.
I don't reprove, I understand. I was told long, long ago. Yet I forget. I think the trick is in remembering the truth, who we really are, not who we were told we are. That's where the conflict arises the conditioning you speak of is at odds with the real you.
ReplyDelete@Steppenwolf, You make an important point. When we accept that we're what people tell us we are we lose the vital sense of self. Often that leads to a deeply ingrained sense of failure and worthlessness.
ReplyDeleteWhy am I always so bloody aware of these things having failed utterly to practice them in my life?
A classic case of Physician, heal thyself?
Love
Malcolm
Steppenwolf,
ReplyDeleteI'm SO sorry if i sounded angered by your comment, i wasn't, i totally agree with you, i guess this is one of the instances when the writing word can't express your intented...um, expression in which case i was just being silly and i really wouldn' mind if you slapped me, i was just trying to be cure. I guess this is also a pattern, when things get too close, too open, too exposed, i try to be cute.Sorry, yeah?
all the love
DB
You have nothing to be sorry for Dogboy. I too worry a lot about what others think, too much sometimes. As for manners, any virtue can become a vice when taken far enough. We come here to express ourselves, not to practise our inhibitions. I think you express yourself very well.
ReplyDeleteSteppenwolf,I'm grateful, this is what i am, for you being here.
ReplyDeleteLove unlimited to you
XXX